boj&riggs

boj&riggs
Photo ©Megan Goldin

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Are the stars at night REALLY big and bright?

Oh, hi friends.  I'm really sorry it's been a while since we've spoken.  You see, I've been suffering a bit from PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.  Well, that's what you people like to to call it.  In reality, it should be called PTTD, post traumatic Texas disorder. What? Never heard of it? Well, quite obviously you haven't traveled on the back roads of Oklahoma and Texas at any point in your lifetime.  Specifically, with someone  like my momma at the helm.  I don't normally use profanities, but it was absofracking horrifying.  NO, I'm serious. It was. For the majority of our journey, I was totally cool, calm and collected as usual, but once the Mamma started acting like a total nut ball, I started to loose my shitskis a little.

She never, ever gets freaked out.  Ev-Er.  OK, ONCE she did. Just once. When we were in Canada and this man showed up to a picnic wearing just overalls and nothing underneath.  Kind of like Popcorn Sutton from the show Moonshiners, except scarier because he wasn't wearing a shirt.  . .or. anything. at all. underneath. 
OK, so picture this dude. . .virtually naked:

I know, I know, totally frightening.  My mom had a total flight or flight response moment and she took me, ran to her truck, opened the back hatch and told me to get in with her, and we both lied there, in the fetal position for like a good half an hour before someone came and got her out of her funk.  Anyway, I digress...PS: I wish I had a chance to meet Popcorn Sutton because he seems totally kick ass, and I'd like to try his moonshine, but I feel like he'd probably have a lot of ticks all over him from hiding out in the woods from the police making moonshine all his life.  Don't you? 

Ok, so back to my P.T.T.S (Post traumatic Texas disorder- for those of you with short term memory loss).  My mom and I had never been to Texas, or Oklahoma for that matter.  But we had planned this trip because remember how I told you back when I earned my draft title that I was working so extra hard learning how to dive off boats to earn my Water Rescue Title this year?  Well, I was.  Really, really really hard.  The only person who I could ever imagine working harder was Greg Louganis, that Olympic diver who smashed his head on the diving board during the Olympics a long time ago.  My mom and I were out in the water almost every day because I was so super scared to dive.  She tried everything, and we went to millions of different places.  Then, all of the sudden, I did it.  It was like the coolest thing ever, and my mom was so happy when I did it that I kept doing it.  I became awesome at it, and then we both realized that I was ready to OWN the next water test.  So, she entered me in the water rescue test that was taking place in Texas.  It was a few weeks away and she thought we'd be ready to kick butt and take names down there, but guess what guys?  I was doing so incredibly awesome, that at the very last minute on the very last day she entered me in an earlier test in Colorado.  And guess freaking what guys? I PASSED! My first WRD (Water Rescue Dog) test ever and I acted like I was a commercial for WRD dogs. FLA FLA FLA FLAWLESS! We have really awesome photos from this test, thanks to our friend Katherine Payne but here's our very favorite.  It was the very last thing that I had to do to pass, and look how happy the Momma is, you would jump every time too, if you had someone like that so happy when you got there:


Oh my dog, I digressed again, didn't I? Well, PTTD will do that to a dog.  So, I earned my WRD title, and we were so excited.  But, we had already entered in the test in Texas, and we were meeting so many friends there, and we thought it would be a great opportunity to relax, have some fun, and re-qualify.  Besides, they serve margaritas the night before at a party before the test, and the momma kind of has a thing for margaritas, so she really didn't want to miss it.  So, we went. . .

We left at 3am.  Let me just tell you people, if you ever have to drive anywhere where it's incredibly flat, and there are a lot of wind turbines, the very best time to drive through it is at night.  So we drove, and proceeded to drive until there were no bars for cell phone service on the phone, and the music on the radio became staticky, and all that we could listen to, was an old school Spanish radio station driving on a two lane highway, where there were hundreds of miles before seeing the next gas station, where a slight glimmer on the phone would show a bar or two of service.  The mamma began to freak the F out.   She began to have visions of a tire blowing and things like this happening to us:
Large Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure
"On this very night, ten years ago, along this very stretch of road in a dense fog just like this. I saw the worst accident I ever seen. There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building... And when they pulled the driver's body from the twisted, burning wreck. It looked like this... "

And so, every time we'd get cell service, which meant we were near a gas station, she'd pull over, get gas, pay with a credit card so as to leave a paper trail of her whereabouts in case she went missing, phone a friend, and update her status on facebook.  OK, so. . .we kind of watch a lot of 20/20 episodes and we've SEEN way too many instances where people go missing and get killed because their cars break down out in the middle of nowhere.  So she started getting freaking paranoid.  The very best way I can describe her paranoia to you, is to simply go back and post all of her status updates that she wrote on facebook during our drive:

Exhibit A:
"Driving through the back roads of the state of Texas without cell service over the last 10hrs because the bastard in my GPS wants to make me more "cultured" has been mildly terrifying.  I've replayed the quickest technique on how to change a tire if the need arises over and over again in my head.  It's times like these, when I can't help but think how much safer I'd feel if I just had one of those hanging testicle sacks hanging off the trailer hitch of my car.  Like a testicular force field.  Those, and probably a shot gun.  But as the sign I just drove past says, "Jesus didn't tap out" so I'll continue to persevere.  Blaring mariachi music as it's the only station that comes in clearly.  Don't mess with me Texas! I've got a big black dog in my car who used to have testicles! Once."

Oh my dog, I'm sorry, but seriously.  Look at this guy.  In my quest to find the best example of truck hitch testicles, this came up.  I had to share this asshat with all of you:


Anywho, we continued our drive.  Wait.  Wait a minute.  Holy F. Do you see that guys freakishly LARGE abnormally shaped thumbs?! What the frack?! And what the hell is the two thumbs up for anyway? "HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT ME! TWO THUMBS UP FOR PRETENDING THAT I HAVE ELEPHANTITIS ALBINO TESTICLES! AND AS A BONUS! IF YOU GIVE ME A NEWSPAPER TO HOLD IN MY HANDS, IT LOOKS LIKE I'M TAKING A POOPER!"  weird.  People are freaking weird.  


I'm sorry, but I couldn't continue to type my story to you and just pretend that guys thumbs were totally normal. . . As I was saying, we continued our journey as we dined on the best damned beef jerky in Texas.  *(editors note: when a sign that you drive past says, "Not just beef jerky, DANG GOOD beef jerky.  You stop, OK ,you ALWAYS stop)* The momma said we needed to load up on protein in case we had to survive a break down miles away from where anyone could find us.  I think the beef jerky actually had some magical powers in it, because she began to embrace our situation.  Much like a dying person accepts their impeding death. Her next status update went something like this:

"With the exception of the road dotted with gutted out, stiffed limbed deer carcasses and signs for a cemetery every 30 miles, Texas isn't as scary the further south you drive." 

And she was right.  All of the sudden, the radio stations came back and the cell phone service returned, and then we arrived at our destination! I was so relieved that we finally made it that I wanted to leap out of the back of the car and kiss the ground as soon as she put the car in park.  

But first, she had to do this to me.


Don't mess with Texas, bitches.  This is how I made my grand entrance into the test site.  This totally could've gone either way for me.  I mean, I was visiting Texans. It's not like I was going to New Jersey and pretending to be from Texas or something. 

Thankfully, my friends in Texas have an incredible sense of humor. 
There's a new sheriff in town.  Boss Freaking Hog, Y'all! 

The only thing that would've made this photo even better, is a pair of trailer hitch truck testicles behind me.  We'll work on that for next year.


The water test weekend was SO much fun! We had such a good time with our Texas friends, besides the fact that we had arrived in Antarctica, with temps in the 40s and a windchill and high winds.  It was FREEZING.  I of course loved it, but the Momma volunteered to help out during the test stewarding from the boat in the water, and she wore her winter hat the entire time.  Even when WE were testing! IT was hilarious! I was like, Ummm, Mamma, guess what? You look ridiculous in that hat and if you're going to look so ridiculous and not take this seriously than neither will I! So, we had a lot fun but did not come home with any re-qualifying scores.  But we did come home with a LOT of new friends, and that's even better. 




Our friends Mike from Texas, and  Leah took a lot of these photos of us. We love Leah of Lizzy Layne Photography! http://www.lizzylaynephotography.com/

And this photo, of the Momma and I watching the sunrise together, this my friends is what owning humans is all about. 


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